Saturday, October 11, 2014

About A Boy

Lately, all I have been talking about are: 
a. How I struggle with sadness
b. How homesick I am
c. How I spend my lonesome weekends watching movies (today I had three since I woke up at 9 am)
d. How hard it is to be alone

I have been meaning to post a week-before birthday blog to vent out my frustrations and how hard it is to be alone in another country with the shit going on around me lately, but I decided why not talk about something that makes me happy for a change. 

Ever since I got here in Malaysia, I have never really considered dating. I had someone who I constantly run to for eight months, so what's the point? It was not even a romantic one, but it was the steadiest relationship I had, because it was not a commitment. And then it had to end because people move on with their lives. It was the best and it was the worst. And weeks after that I was devastated. I am not even exaggerating. 

And then I decided why not swim in the ocean of (lonely) hearts. There I was, 25, actually meeting strangers with potential for romantic inclination for the first time. I admit, it was fun in the beginning. I met one who was really interesting, but the rest were I don't know, disappointing. The system became tiring. And all the times spent did not even amount to anything. Most conversations I had were empty and shallow. It made me doubt why I even did it. But then if I didn't, how would I know how it goes? Maybe I attract the wrong kind of people? Maybe I only go after one type? Maybe I expect too much?

But you know, it took me a while to realise that I did not even have to search and scramble in the crowd of strangers. The haze-filled Kuala Lumpur couldn't even make it less clear and not even the bumper-to-bumper city jam can slow down how fast my heart beats. (God, cheesy comparison to my KL environment, but whatever)

I have never been in a relationship for a long time and this feels like it's the first time again. You know, it's always like that when you're getting into one. It's scary, it's exciting, it's crazy. But I think that it's time to settle, for now, just to make sure that one part of my life is not going haywire - because truth be told, he makes me sane and he makes me feel. And when I feel like giving up and think about how bad things have been going my way, he is my assurance that everything is fine and will be alright. Being where I am now is not easy and heck I don't think it will ever be. But I am grateful that one (or two) time that I needed a (broad) shoulder to cry on, he was always there... Like how he would be there when I celebrated small personal feats even before this whole thing happened. 

It's still a work in progress as it is relatively new. There are things yet to be discovered, different cultures to embrace, spicy food to get used to, distance to close, and stuff to work out. But right now, I am happy how his snooty, discerning taste in music mashes so well with my pop tunes. 

Oh shit, this post is brought to you by Sam Smith's Spotify playlist. 

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Jitters

A month from now, I will be celebrating my 26th birthday. I am not sure if I look forward to it or I dread that I'm already on the other half of my twenties. That would be a few Saturdays from now, in which I do not really intend to celebrate having realised that I have to save up for so many things.

It's also my second birthday away from Manila. I do not think it would make much difference if I were there or here, because no matter where I am, my plans would probably be the same either place. This year, it's most likely a celebration in the comforts of our hand-me-down sofa, a notch higher from mattresses of October 2013. Hopefully with weather as cool and gloomy as today. I will be very excited to be spending a few hours online. Like my usual weekends, only with more interaction because everyone seems to remember anyone on their birthday and forget them for the rest of the year, thanks to Facebook birthday notifications (sad or not?). 

But to be really honest, it's on my birthday that I feel more alone than the rest of the other day in the year. Sure, I have company to make the happiest birthday, but it's not the same. I should have known better that it would be harder in the first few years the moment I decide to pack my bags and go. It's not just my birthday that I missed celebrating, I missed my Mom's, brother's, dog's and everyone else's back home. I hope they feel the same on my birthday, but who knows. And probably, a part of me dread the idea of my birthday (aside from getting old and not having done anything significant, which I will talk about next time for more self loathing airtime) because it's going to be a normal weekend or like any other day, just fleeting.

Oh well. It's still a month from now as I said. Maybe this is just a rambling on a cold, Saturday evening.

Monday, September 15, 2014

And So It Began

Let me just say that I don't like missing on anything, especially if I know my closest friends are talking about it. Like this  movie, Begin Again, for example. Not sure why I didn't watch it here in Malaysia. Anyway, was it shown here?

Okay, like TFiOS, I have only seen it this weekend. Out of curiosity, I searched for a copy online, in the hopes of finally watching it. And I did. And you know what, good thing a. I woke up early to have so much time and b. I have so much time to download it and I remembered I wanted to watch it.

It starred Mark Ruffalo, Kiera Knightley, and Adam Levine (in a role not too far from his American Horror Story acting debut (?), as a dick~). The movie is feel good, musical rom-com/ drama. Something perfect to watch when you're alone and needs some cheering up. Well, it was not really a cheery movie - because it started with heartbreak, job loss, misery, what not and it built up its story in the middle and eventually to their own ever afters... And there was singing. A lot of singing. 

Good thing the songs were not pop-ish. Not that I hate pop, but you know that would be cheesy. Except one song with a remix, everything else was fine. I am actually playing the songs kind of~ over and over this weekend. But Spotify ruins the moment playing random pop songs in between the real songs. GAIS SERIOUSLY, I like pop song, but don't you hate it when Spotify decides to be an ass, all sappy then BOOM KEISHA. Anyway, I also liked that last part of the movie does not seem to have closure. That all characters (except probably Mark Ruffalo's) had open ended endings (oops, spoiler?). 

I now see the fuss about the movie. It's typical, scaled to a grander proportion, yes. A guy broke a girl's heart. She got even and that makes it quite relatable. The heartache, the losses, the gains, the feeling of just being free. Also, don't you just want to be around the city, singing like you don't care. I would do that. Please give me a band. 


PS. Oh My God, Kiera Knightley's character's fashion style is ZOMG. 

Saturday, September 13, 2014

TFiOS

I decided, a few months after everyone has seen it, to watch The Fault in Our Stars. You know, that tear jearker book written by John Green turned into a movie by Josh Boone. 

I got the extended movie version and sat through 2 hours plus waiting for a moment to shed my tears. But it didn't come until the last few moments of the movie, when Hazel Grace (I still think this name sounds blah) read a 'eulogy' written by Augustus (this, this is an awesome name) which he sent to Peter Van Houten (played by the wonderful Willem Dafoe). I will not spoil anything to those who have not seen it or read the book. But it was that killer moment from this cryfest movie that got me. 

I was told that if you're a fan of the book (I admit I am), the movie would suck in comparison. But it didn't. I actually thought it was good. Shailene Woodley was a good casting decision. Not sure Ansel Elgort (?) was okay... But if you've seen Divergent, you would know why I feel this pairing is kind of icky. 

Also, 'Boom Clap' was so fit when they arrived in Amsterdam. I feel I would do the same when I get there. 

I hope you're not waiting for life reflection and/ or realisation, like this is kind of a reaction paper. Unfortunately, this is not. I just wanted the world to know that I finally saw TFiOS. 

Thanks.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Some Saturday Night Post, Wow!

This evening, while walking around Publika (probably my favourite place in KL, before Jalan Pudu), I had a major realisation that I have not been doing so many things I used to enjoy. You know, stuvvvs like reading books, going to gigs, being spontaneous, and what not. A year of living alone has made me live within my means, planning so carefully, and painstakingly being a cheapskate, to the point of depriving myself of the finer things in life. Not that I eat caviar everyday (yuck, how can some people do that?) or drink sparkling water (lol, that's not even fine), but there are things I cannot afford to do anymore simply because I cannot afford - time and money wise. 

You see, ever since I left Manila and decided to live on my own (which I still think, every other day if it's the best decision I made, but yeah, I'm here for a year now!), I have started to live like a real adult. Cooking, paying bills, stretching the last RM100 before payday, thinking twice about purchases, trying to make reasonable choices, and so on. Other people seem to make it look so easy, but the truth is, it's very hard, I cannot even fake it 'till I make it (I have been faking it for a year and I still have not made it, so I guess no). And then this trying so hard to be more responsible  made me boring and stagnant. I could not appreciate what I have because there is rarely a time I stopped and smelled the roses. I used to have someone I run to on almost weekly basis, but when he left, things got awry. And it's sad. And I thought the world was being cruel to me because the words 'enjoy' did not exist to me anymore. I was working, eating, sleeping and doing all these routines that I seriously doubt if my life is going somewhere. And I cried so many times for reasons I cannot even fathom. For a while, it was really difficult and I dreaded everyday

And then one time, I snapped back and asked, 'why am being so hard on myself?' Hey, being an adult still is fun. Everybody says I'm still young, enjoy life, yada yada, and I thought this is just an unsolicited advice and I never take those kind of things. I stopped being stubborn, I lightened up a bit. I made feels come in and out again. I fell in love. Those wonderful little details in life I put aside because I was busy being an adult. I am slowly being social. I am making friends and I am back to doing what I love to do, reading and travelling. And maybe, if I just allow myself to live on the easy side some more, I might start being spontaneous again and no longer rely on my planner. 

That's about it for now. It's Saturday. I want to enjoy my weekend. I will probably head to... My bed soon because the weekend is happening at this very moment.  Also, I hope to write more again next time.