Wednesday, April 15, 2015

A Health Confession

Recently, I have been dealing with the worst health problems since I had typhoid fever (22 years ago, I think). Last March, I had a weekend suffering from Vertigo. It's funny when people say I use it as an excuse because they think I'm too young to have it, and it angers me because they do not know how hard it is to go through the day and I can't even get out of bed. The doctor gave me a ton of medicines and at some point I was running on pain killers and muscle relaxers. 

Then a few weeks back, I went to the doctor because I've been having constant headache on the left side of my head. The pain extends over my left eye that I cannot even stare at my work computer or direct light to get through. And guess what, my BP is 140/80. That got me scared a bit, because alta presion runs in the both side of my families, with both my grandparents on father side suffering from stroke.I have to take more pain killers and it was scary at one point because it felt like my life depended on it. 

I have gained two kilos (not normally scary, but weird to think I've never been more than 50kgs in my life) and have cut down on food because I'm too scared to eat anything that can cause me more dilemma. 

I admit I have become a bit lazy. I stopped running (well, that did not work out, I guess) and haven't been doing yoga. Sad to admit that all I do now is sleep and eat and repeat and my only work out is when I go to my boss's office which is quite often (you should see my shy leg muscles). I have been moody and always mad crazy. It's sad and disappointing. And it's not me. 

I have been rethinking of my recent lifestyle choices and all the things I have been doing wrong. It's sad that my body has to suffer because of my preferences. I used to enjoy walking around on weekends and sweating it out when I can. I used to go swimming on Saturday mornings because I wake up early. I used to not eat pork almost on a daily basis.

Thinking I should get a healthy overhaul soon and get my lazy ass out of the bed or couch. But for now, as recommended by my doctor, heading to bed early so I will not be too stressed. 

I'm putting this out here as a reminder to myself to think of me first and what's best for me. 

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Gone Girl

These thoughts came to me around 3.30 this morning. I am not sure why and how, but I had the urge to write about them instantly. But I didn't because sleepiness took over and I thought that maybe if I don't remember it when I wake up, it's probably not worth blabbing about.

But I still remembered.

I am talking about my feelings for Gone Girl, not the book, but the movie directed by one of my favourite directors, David Fincher. It stars Ben Affleck and Rosamund Pike as the doomed Dunne couple. If you have read the book, you would say that it's better than the film. I have heard this several times, but cannot really attest, as I have not finished it and went straight to see the movie version. So I will not touch how the film seemed to hurried everything and packed most of the story in two hours (or depending on which version you have seen).

Initially the movie got cancelled for release in Malaysia, due to its graphic and sexual contents. According to Twentieth Century Fox, the film's distributor, in a response to a question posted in their Facebook account, Gone Girl was "taken out of the release plan here (Malaysia) due to the excessive censor cuts required, which significantly affect the movie experience." It came as a big surprise however on the last week of November, when they announced that they are finally showing an 'International Cut' meaning there was a 'way around' showing the significant moments in the film without (too much) cuts as one would have expected. Still, a supposed better version  came out online on Friday, before the movie hit local cinemas.

Although I initially wanted to watch the movie on big screen, it was a good thing I did because I was terribly disappointed. Fincher and I have gone a long way. From the Fight Club, to Se7en (so awesome!), my favouriteSocial Network and also Girl with Dragon Tattoo, which were both adapted from books. I had high expectations for Gone Girl. Firstly, because it had an all-star cast, 2/3 of my dream team (Fincher with Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross), and everyone was buzzing about the movie. I even threw a small fit when they did not show it in Malaysia at first because I have waited for it.

But I guess despite the good reviews and high ratings, the film still felt lacking. In the beginning, it was long and dragging and it reached its high point when they finally showed Amy (Rosamund Pike was so good, I think she was the saving grace of the movie), then towards the end it felt flat. Ben Affleck did not at all move me, even during the confessional part. I did not feel any sympathy when he lost his wife, or mad when we learned he cheated. The character was a little undeveloped. Affleck is not a bad actor - he got me on the edge of my seat when I watched Argo, but he did not shine in the movie the way Pike or Neil Patrick Harris did. If he did not play the lead character, his appearance to me was forgettable - even his penis and ass (which were much talked about) were, too.

So when I learned that the movie and Affleck got snubbed in this year's Golden Globes, I thought it was another injustice. But then again, the movie proved that they did not deserve to be on the list. Let's see if it gets nominated in the Academy Awards. 

Maybe this is me coming from too much hope to disappointment. A lot of people might disagree with me. I don't know. I'd like to know what you think.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

For Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift, the country-pop-rock songstress who just recently released her new album, 1989. I admit I was very excited to listen to this album, amongst all the ones she released, because it's a shift from the usual Swift - it's purely pop, not the guitar driven country music, but more of synth and drums with late '80s, early '90s feel. It's a refreshing album, whose references to a lost love is still evident in the songs (but lesser, I think!), but in a catchier, less sappy tunes we are so used to hearing from her.

I am a new listener, and now a new fan. Some would hate her for being so transparent, especially with her music, but this is what makes her admirable. She's maybe oversharing, but in today's age, who is not? The only difference is we live in filters, in sugar coating, meanwhile she tells it as it is, while under the limelight. I have never followed her career so intently. To be honest I just started truly liking her with her 2012 album, Red, where we can already sense a hint of change in her direction. If you call yourself a fan and have not sensed that, how did that happen? 

Now going back to her 1989, which is named so after her birth year, I have seen people reacting how different this new release sounds and that they miss the old Taylor Swift. But what do we want her to do? Get stuck for not being herself? Reading her notes on the album, as well as the various interviews she has given, Swift said the change was something she has always wanted to do and if she doesn't do it, she might forever regret not even trying. 

A lot of artists have tried experimenting with their career, there is of course Madonna, the queen of pop and re-invention, as the most evident example, among others. While Mad's is a success story, there are some whose career went into oblivion, never ever had a chance to recover, because they risked the change. Maybe they did it wrong? Maybe the success of the change hit them so hard, they wasted the opportunity? We would not know. But regardless if it was a great feat or a doom, isn't taking a risk the very same thing that should drive all of us? The only successful people I know have pushed boundaries and dared to reach heights as compared to their play-it-safe contemporaries. There might be a chance for us to fail, but we will never know what will happen if we won't push for it. 

The point is, why are we limiting ourselves to what is expected? Not because it has worked over and over, it does not mean we need to get stuck. For that, I admire Taylor Swift for the path she has decided to cross. I love the new album. It's worth the risk. 


After listening to the album for three straight days (okay, mostly when I wake up and get home from work and while writing this blog), I recommend the tracks Welcome to New York, Style, and Out of the Woods

Enjoy, 1989!

Saturday, October 11, 2014

About A Boy

Lately, all I have been talking about are: 
a. How I struggle with sadness
b. How homesick I am
c. How I spend my lonesome weekends watching movies (today I had three since I woke up at 9 am)
d. How hard it is to be alone

I have been meaning to post a week-before birthday blog to vent out my frustrations and how hard it is to be alone in another country with the shit going on around me lately, but I decided why not talk about something that makes me happy for a change. 

Ever since I got here in Malaysia, I have never really considered dating. I had someone who I constantly run to for eight months, so what's the point? It was not even a romantic one, but it was the steadiest relationship I had, because it was not a commitment. And then it had to end because people move on with their lives. It was the best and it was the worst. And weeks after that I was devastated. I am not even exaggerating. 

And then I decided why not swim in the ocean of (lonely) hearts. There I was, 25, actually meeting strangers with potential for romantic inclination for the first time. I admit, it was fun in the beginning. I met one who was really interesting, but the rest were I don't know, disappointing. The system became tiring. And all the times spent did not even amount to anything. Most conversations I had were empty and shallow. It made me doubt why I even did it. But then if I didn't, how would I know how it goes? Maybe I attract the wrong kind of people? Maybe I only go after one type? Maybe I expect too much?

But you know, it took me a while to realise that I did not even have to search and scramble in the crowd of strangers. The haze-filled Kuala Lumpur couldn't even make it less clear and not even the bumper-to-bumper city jam can slow down how fast my heart beats. (God, cheesy comparison to my KL environment, but whatever)

I have never been in a relationship for a long time and this feels like it's the first time again. You know, it's always like that when you're getting into one. It's scary, it's exciting, it's crazy. But I think that it's time to settle, for now, just to make sure that one part of my life is not going haywire - because truth be told, he makes me sane and he makes me feel. And when I feel like giving up and think about how bad things have been going my way, he is my assurance that everything is fine and will be alright. Being where I am now is not easy and heck I don't think it will ever be. But I am grateful that one (or two) time that I needed a (broad) shoulder to cry on, he was always there... Like how he would be there when I celebrated small personal feats even before this whole thing happened. 

It's still a work in progress as it is relatively new. There are things yet to be discovered, different cultures to embrace, spicy food to get used to, distance to close, and stuff to work out. But right now, I am happy how his snooty, discerning taste in music mashes so well with my pop tunes. 

Oh shit, this post is brought to you by Sam Smith's Spotify playlist. 

Sunday, September 21, 2014


A month from now, I will be celebrating my 26th birthday. I am not sure if I look forward to it or I dread that I'm already on the other half of my twenties. That would be a few Saturdays from now, in which I do not really intend to celebrate having realised that I have to save up for so many things.

It's also my second birthday away from Manila. I do not think it would make much difference if I were there or here, because no matter where I am, my plans would probably be the same either place. This year, it's most likely a celebration in the comforts of our hand-me-down sofa, a notch higher from mattresses of October 2013. Hopefully with weather as cool and gloomy as today. I will be very excited to be spending a few hours online. Like my usual weekends, only with more interaction because everyone seems to remember anyone on their birthday and forget them for the rest of the year, thanks to Facebook birthday notifications (sad or not?). 

But to be really honest, it's on my birthday that I feel more alone than the rest of the other day in the year. Sure, I have company to make the happiest birthday, but it's not the same. I should have known better that it would be harder in the first few years the moment I decide to pack my bags and go. It's not just my birthday that I missed celebrating, I missed my Mom's, brother's, dog's and everyone else's back home. I hope they feel the same on my birthday, but who knows. And probably, a part of me dread the idea of my birthday (aside from getting old and not having done anything significant, which I will talk about next time for more self loathing airtime) because it's going to be a normal weekend or like any other day, just fleeting.

Oh well. It's still a month from now as I said. Maybe this is just a rambling on a cold, Saturday evening.