Words I Hear Too Often

"No, no, no, listen" "No, listen to me" "How can you say…"

These are just some of the most common phrases I hear on my team. Being the only girl and probably the only one who has zero knowledge on programming (ok this is not true anymore, I probably have 20% knowledge now), I have been dismissed quite often in both professional and personal discussions. Generalisations about women, uninformed opinion about my nationality… the list goes on! Somebody even said that he just wanted to see me pissed off.

Why do you want to see me pissed off? I don’t get it.

To be fair, my male colleagues are hella helpful. But, there have been a lot of instances where the word ‘NO’ has been uttered. Not just once; there were times when ’NO’ has been repeated several times as if I don’t get it. And every time I want to say something, be a part of a discussion where I know I am knowledgeable about, I am put down.

"That does not count."
"No, I think…"

And every time this happens, I feel like my idea is immediately shut down. I face people who do not look convinced—a smirk, a look of discontent, a shake of the head.

I may come off as ranting. I don’t even know if I am too sensitive (should I question my feelings, now?) But honestly, I have never felt like a second-class in a working environment before.

And what pisses me off is the effect of their actions on me. I doubt myself. I question myself—did I talk too much? Did I go overboard? Was it something I am not supposed to say? Should I even be in this conversation? Why am I even here?

Phew, all these questions. I can just imagine a lot of women going through the same bullshit every day.

I just wonder, in a modern world, where humans—regardless of race or gender or religion — should already be equal, why are we, women, still experiencing this? If women are not being objectified in the office, we are being shut down?

Not only that, when a woman has an opinion and is trying to prove their point, why do some men think that she is ‘angry’? Why can’t she say what she feels without being thought of as a monster, a bitch, or “just some angry woman”?

A quick search on Google and you’ll find a lot of write-ups about the unpleasant experiences of women in the office. One article from the Telegraph even mentioned that being a ‘token woman’ in the office made someone ill.

A study conducted by Indiana University found out that:

‘Token’ women – those working in a predominantly male environment - were observed to display less healthy patterns of cortisol throughout the day, due to negative working conditions. The study indicates that these stress levels relate specifically to interpersonal stress (as opposed to the stresses of the job, or the individual’s personality type).

Why should women be subjected to this condition? 

This is not, by all means, an attempt to trample men, nor to step down to the level of disrespect. I think it all boils down to listening to people—again despite race, gender, or religion—and merely understanding them. I don’t know if I can do anything about what you personally think of the people similar to me or of me, but at least, try to listen and respect the person, regardless of your opinion (or your gender).

The moment you utter the word ‘NO’ in an open conversation, it’s already turning down another person’s idea. What’s more, if you say ‘NO’ in a manner of degrading another person’s opinion or abilities, you are shutting down a voice that matters—maybe not to you, but to others. Perhaps not to you at present, but maybe in the future.


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"A men’s role in feminism is to elevate women. People listen to men more often, and more diligently, and less critically, and I think the more space men can make for women to say things and have power, the better. It’s just, lift up your sisters, lift them up, give them space." 

— Akila Hughes, writer and comedian