Friday, April 30, 2010

From Rest to Moving on

Things have been moving slowly these past few days. I don't know what happened. The weird things is, even if I am an inch away from my friends who already have work, I still don't feel quite bothered of this whole workforce experience. I remember, towards the end of my junior year, about to start my on- the- job training, i was so psyched to work and get my own salary. But on days, when I'd rather lounge around the house and enjoy the few more weeks of freedom, I am slowly thinking of just having a few more months of not working. I have been working my ass off in school for years, don't I deserve any rest?

I am thinking of so many things right now. I am thinking of having an entire life overhaul. College had been so toxic, that probably if not for my friends, I would have not enjoyed it as much. I am thinking of going sabbatical. Of leaving and self- restoration. I don't want to bother people of my plans. I just want to rest from everything that's bothering me. I want to rest from You, from this heat, from everything.

If there's a chance, I want to get back to my first love, photography and painting. When these things used to cure me from heartache. I am guessing my tubes and films miss me as much as I miss them. 

A few wants won't hurt, would it? I just want the old life back. So today, I vow to make things move on my own pace. Never mind the external culprits (such as You). 

This is the part when I suddenly realised, I need work, just so I can have that distraction and finally make things move.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010


Clockwise: Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath, Anne Sexton Biography, The Second Sex by Simone de Beauvior,
Art Objects by Jeanette Winterson and Sexual Personae by Camille Paglia

I am slowly getting all my dream books! I don't know how much I've already spent for all of these (except the one by Paglia, cos it was given by my ex- boyfriend as a Valentine's day gift) but I'm pretty sure they have created a hole in my pocket. But I don't regret buying these. I've been looking for them for a very long time now and I am happy that local bookstores have 'em.

My next book buy: Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov, Carrie by Stephen King, and Breakfast at Tiffany's by Truman Capote. If you've seen any of these, please, give me the exact location and price.

By now, I'm pretty sure, where my salary's going.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

You Make It Real

There's so much craziness, surrounding me 
There's so much going on, it gets hard to breathe 
When all my faith has gone, you bring it back to me 
You make it real for me 
When I'm not sure of, my priorities 
When I've lost site of, where I'm meant to be 
Like holy water, washing over me 
You make it real for me 
And I'm running to you baby 
You are the only one who saved me 
That's why I've been missing you lately 
Cause you make it real for me 
When my head is strong, but my heart is weak 
I'm full of arrogance, and uncertainty 
But I can find the words, you teach my heart to speak 
You make it real for meee, yeaaa 
And I'm running to you baby 
Cause you are the only one who saved me 
That's whyyy I've been missing you lately 
Cause you make it real for me 
Everybodies talking in words 
I don't understand 
You got to be the only one 
Who knows just who I am 
Your shinin in the distance 
I hope I can make it through 
Cause the only place 
That I want to be 
Is right back home with you 
I guess there's so much more 
I have to learn 
But if you're here with me 
I know which way to turn 
You always give me somewhere, 
Somewhere I can learn 
You make it real for me 
And I'm running to you baby 
Cause you are the only one who saved me 
That's why I've been missing you lately 
Cause you make it real for me 
You make it real for me
I don't know, but I'm feeling this song. :-) 

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

The "Life"

On hot summer days when you're too lazy to do things you're supposed to do, you'll most likely to end up daydreaming. I do that. For the past summers of my life when I started day dreaming, most of the times I end up sleep dreaming too. The temperature is too conducive (at least for me) for sleeping, but now I must be stay awake because I have to finish some stuff for our trip on Thursday. 

So my daydreaming took me the life I would want to have, say five years from now. 

By then, I'll be 27 (I am turning 22 this year). I see myself still writing for my job. But instead of being a staff writer, I'll be a Managing Editor (or Editor, like how I always dreamt of) of one of the famous magazines for women in the country published by the number one publications. I have everything I ever wanted five years ago, a stable work, enough cash to buy both my wants and needs. In other words, a happy career. I must have bought (or rented) my own place by then. It was always my dream to get my own place and decorate it the way I've always envisioned it, pristine white backdrop with black furniture to accent the place. My books will have their own place now. Not some table. An actual book case. My place has a great view. If I'm lucky enough, I'll have the 360 degrees view of Metro Manila, so I'd see when the sun rises and sets. I'm not sure if I can already buy my dream car, but I know by then I'll be able to drive around the city in my own  black car. So sleek, when I come out of my automobile, they'll be amazed that the driver's a woman. (I am still thinking of Subaru here. I wish I'd win a lottery or something). 

My girl friends and I will still hang out. Talk about our respective careers. Lian, will probably a be top notch business writer, writing locally and abroad. Cha will probably be working on her new product campaign strategy. Monica, well doing some PR work for some awesomely popular company. Or they'll have their own family. But we've already done our around the Philippines and Asia tours. We're already planning on our Europe trip by then.

I've gone through a lot of things, heartaches and triumphs. I already got frustrated and had my temper tested for the nth time. But despite that, I'll hopefully have someone who I'll come home to. To give me back rubs and foot massages. Someone who'll cook steak because he knows I can't cook. Someone who's equally successful, but would always have time for me because the magazine work is just too hectic to handle. On days when he's having rough time, I'll cook him ramen, because that's the only thing I know or have McDonald's delivered, because we both wanted the Golden Arches. We'll sit side- by- side watching flicks or series marathons because that's what relieves our stress. Maybe on some days, we'll have wines while we talk about the most random things in the world. On some nights, we'll do karaoke on some nights we do scrabble or read together, because we're geeks like that. Across the table, we'll both typing on our laptops. Me on a deadline, him on whatever he's typing (probably his article too or report). On weekends we go out, have fancy dinner or watch movie. We can also do some road trip. He probably loves beach or he does mountain climbing. We'll have our flights booked and schedule an out of country trip maybe once a year. But what we enjoy doing the most? Maybe the endless cuddling and holding hands. The assurance that we have each other's back. 

A year after, we'll get married. Two years from that, we'll have kids. But I'll save the family day dreaming on the next posts, because I don't want to spoil the coupledom. 

It's so nice to daydream. But I don't think I'll accomplish anything if I still have my butt stuck in this chair.

By 2:40 a.m.

I should be sleeping. 

But here I am stuck on a ruined body clock, listening to Dave Matthew's Band, hoping they'd get me to sleep. On some days when I am lucky, I sleep really early. Early is 11p.m. But that rarely happens right now. Blame the sleepless nights for the past two years. It made me stay up 'til 4a.m. Sometimes I wish I never did not procrastinate during college because it just ruined my sleep. However, it was fun staying up during those times, cramming with classmates, but still ending up with kick- ass articles that didn't seem like they were done overnight.

I miss college life. I miss looking forward to classes I love attending to. I miss drawing in boring classes. I miss looking at the door window, to see if (ex) boyfriend peeks (and I will later on receive a text telling me to listen to my professor haha) I miss eating in class with my classmates. I miss cutting classes when professors didn't arrive on time or when we suddenly feel senioritis. I miss running around AB, like we' re not seniors because we're carefree like that. 

I can't imagine myself saying I miss school when I almost spent 17 years of my life in two different institutions. But on nights (or wee mornings) when I have nothing to think about, I can't help but reminisce. I sometimes catch my self smiling when I think about the mundane things we did. I guess no matter what transpired during those years, whether bad or good, I am happy I experienced all of them.

I can die happy and fulfilled soon.
But by now, I must manage to sleep first.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Lashing out on Language

I tried my best to keep my annoyance in. But there are times when you really try to just let these silliness pass, you'll always end up, in one point or another, get pissed. Even if you're the last person on earth to bitch out, there are just these things that no matter what you do, will always get on your nerves.

Not being hypocritical to my generation, but there are just a lot of things I do not understand and will not bother to understand with today's youth. I am backlashing on the youth today for being careless and annoying, big time. For one, I do not understand why can't they speak proper words. At one time it's cool to probably speak in LOLcats, especially if you're not the person who do it on a daily basis. But come on, if you do it every waking hour of your life and talk to people that way, you seriously need to go to language rehab. The reason why today's youth is incompetent in written and spoken English (even in Filipino) is that they never learn how to write and speak well. That's pretty scary, really.  I find it weird that some people will really take time to write excess letters, type in alternating caps, and press comma or period like crazy. I don't really care if your grammar's not perfect (even the grammar nazis aren't perfect too) but please, I beg of you. TYPE YOUR DAMN WORDS. Oh, by the way, people who hate people doing this now better think first. Remember the time when you type and speak like this? You were a part of this legion, so before you go hating, re- asses if you're still doing it, cos I bet you still do.

There are a million other things that I am annoyed with. This is just one. Maybe it's the PMS typing. 

Monday, April 12, 2010

Post Grad Thoughts

So I got several job offers, from two top companies, one from publishing world and the other one's from broadcasting. I finished exams and interviews from respective companies, but I still have one for another job opening from the publishing company on Tuesday. If I counted it correctly, I've already had two job interviews on that company, submitted 10 sample articles and still I'm waiting for their "after holy week" announcement. With the broadcasting company, I am kind of losing hope on this one. After my test, I was immediately called for an interview the next day, despite the HR telling me the announcement of results for the qualifying exams will be given two to three weeks after. Feeling quite confident that I was going to get the position because of the immediate call back, I was told by the HR that they are looking for immediate hiring and with my graduation happening two weeks after hiring, it's impossible for me to get in. I was really sad that day. No sad was understatement, I was depressed. I was off in few days, why didn't I get it?

I've applied to several other companies, but if given the choice, I'd rather have my first job at my either of my two dream companies. They gave me an early opportunity, but it seems like what was offered early on wasn't for me.

I am not picky. In fact, if any of the other companies I sent resumes to would reply, I would gladly meet up for an interview. But with the opportunity, I would want to write on my first job. I want to interview people and taste the world, while enjoying the perks and go through the lapses of my first job. Writing jobs were offered to me by these companies and I cannot pass them off. I don't see myself in the near four- five years of my life not writing for a living. I just don't.

So will company S and A call back now? :-(

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Sand, Sea, Surf

It's been two days since I got back from my 4- day out of town trip with my girlfriends. I was happy the opportunity came in just when I needed it. Nursing a heartache and celebrating my academic independence, the road trip became a breather from what was happening for the past couple of days.

My friends and I went to a private sanctuary up north. We sort of decided not to divulge where it is, but to people we were texting to while going there, they have an idea where this is. Despite not being allowed to beaches and extreme sun exposure, I took the chance to roll away and enjoy the yellow sand and the very dangerous direct sunlight of 10 am to almost 3 pm. Bad!

Ahh!!! Paradise :-)
I've never felt so at peace since the things that broke my heart took place. It was really good to hang-out with people who value you as a real friend. I think I've found my sisters in Lian, Cha, and Mon.

After our beach trip, we immediately went to Baguio. Talk about extreme change of temperature. Haha! But what's disappointing is that it's not that cold anymore in Baguio. Save the early morning foggy breath, the weather there is just like the one in Tagaytay (which by the way had worser weather, really). We stayed over at Lian's place then went to PMA to visit Mon's very generous relatives we now fondly call Uncle Jojet and Auntie Betty. Their family is the most awesome host, ever!

A cadet even asked for my number. Auntie Betty was more than delighted. Hoho! Didn't give him my number though. Search each other in Facebook instead. Korni.

Scenes from Baguio!
I won't forget this summer! I'm looking forward to our next out of town (and out the country soon!) So girls, let's work, work, work! :-)

Friday, April 2, 2010

Keeping it In

I have so many thoughts in my head.

In fact, if you try to dissect the portions of my brain, you would see a lot of things in between, some interesting, others heartbreaking. I tried, for so many times now to blog about these feelings and thoughts I have in my brain, but haven't found the courage to do so. Unlike others, I like keeping pains to myself. Even though I may have spilled my heart over some people I really trust, I still prefer to delve in my emotions by myself.

For days, I try to put my laptop on my lap, and type my emotions away, probably to help mend what was broken and to restore my sanity. But every time I try to type in I end up staring at my blinking cursor and end up deleting the post I am about to write. It's crazy.

I changed. I used to tell the whole world about my emotions, but this time, with people reading and stalking (this I am not joking about, there are stalkers really) I have decided not to divulge anything too personal online. Save the whining and the constant beaming of new stuff, but in the matters of heart, I'd rather step back a bit.

For now, here is the new sanctuary of my emotions. I can't believe I am starting a journal, yet again.

Cheap, but really pretty journal
And the challenge now is to not let people read anything from this.