Lately, all I have been talking about are:
a. How I struggle with sadness
b. How homesick I am
c. How I spend my lonesome weekends watching movies (today I had three since I woke up at 9 am)
d. How hard it is to be alone
I have been meaning to post a week-before birthday blog to vent out my frustrations and how hard it is to be alone in another country with the shit going on around me lately, but I decided why not talk about something that makes me happy for a change.
Ever since I got here in Malaysia, I have never really considered dating. I had someone who I constantly run to for eight months, so what's the point? It was not even a romantic one, but it was the steadiest relationship I had, because it was not a commitment. And then it had to end because people move on with their lives. It was the best and it was the worst. And weeks after that I was devastated. I am not even exaggerating.
And then I decided why not swim in the ocean of (lonely) hearts. There I was, 25, actually meeting strangers with potential for romantic inclination for the first time. I admit, it was fun in the beginning. I met one who was really interesting, but the rest were I don't know, disappointing. The system became tiring. And all the times spent did not even amount to anything. Most conversations I had were empty and shallow. It made me doubt why I even did it. But then if I didn't, how would I know how it goes? Maybe I attract the wrong kind of people? Maybe I only go after one type? Maybe I expect too much?
But you know, it took me a while to realise that I did not even have to search and scramble in the crowd of strangers. The haze-filled Kuala Lumpur couldn't even make it less clear and not even the bumper-to-bumper city jam can slow down how fast my heart beats. (God, cheesy comparison to my KL environment, but whatever)
I have never been in a relationship for a long time and this feels like it's the first time again. You know, it's always like that when you're getting into one. It's scary, it's exciting, it's crazy. But I think that it's time to settle, for now, just to make sure that one part of my life is not going haywire - because truth be told, he makes me sane and he makes me feel. And when I feel like giving up and think about how bad things have been going my way, he is my assurance that everything is fine and will be alright. Being where I am now is not easy and heck I don't think it will ever be. But I am grateful that one (or two) time that I needed a (broad) shoulder to cry on, he was always there... Like how he would be there when I celebrated small personal feats even before this whole thing happened.
It's still a work in progress as it is relatively new. There are things yet to be discovered, different cultures to embrace, spicy food to get used to, distance to close, and stuff to work out. But right now, I am happy how his snooty, discerning taste in music mashes so well with my pop tunes.
Oh shit, this post is brought to you by Sam Smith's Spotify playlist.