Sunday, February 10, 2013

Why Some Things Do Not Work

There has been so much stuff written about first love. Some say it's bittersweet, others said it's worth it, some are even wishing it never happened. It could be many things, but forgettable is not one of them.

I remember mine like it was yesterday. When you're seven and attracted for the first time, you will think it is love. Maybe it was more of a crush, because what would a first grader know of such things? He's older, funnier, and wiser. He didn't smell, always tidy, and reserved. My adult self would like him so much. Every day when we're called to class, I was so excited my heart literally skips a beat. One time during our practice, I forgot my poem and felt embarrassed, not to my teachers, just to him. I noticed that I was more conscious when he's around. He has become my motivation and the reason why I did better in English classes as compared to my other subjects.

When he left school after a year, I thought things would be different. I have not really talked to him and there was probably no other way to look for him so I bid memories goodbye and went on with my life. There were no emails, no Facebook, or Google to search for him. I was eight and had no capacity to look for people. I gave up.

But a few years after, with the influx of text messages, I finally got a chance to talk to him. Our exchanges were something I looked forward to. I was twelve when I finally realised I was in love. It didn't happen instantly. But our situation was not that easy. I was young and not ready. I wasn't even sure if my parents will allow me to go out. So the futile attempts to have a relationship was aborted. I had no choice, but to forget. So he and I decided, we'd be friends. That's it. That was probably a stupid, but an effective remedy at that time. Because really, conceal romantic feelings with friendship? Yes, that would totally work. (Sarcasm)

Our friendship went on for a decade, maybe even more. In a span of ten years, there were times when we'd talk about getting together, but we never really got a chance to. How we have always attempted to give it a shot, but circumstances begged it won't work. He and I remained friends, very good friends that sometimes when good things happened to me, he was the first person to know. How my ex-boyfriends asked me to stop talking to him, but I didn't because why would I? I made myself think that I am not in love with him because THIS will not work, because duh, friends don't fall in love. That's the cardinal rule of friendship, don't fall in love or else friendship is doomed.

But you know how fickle minded women are. Why not take it to the next level? And when we finally made a plunge, it didn't work. My worst fear took place and I didn't know what to do. I thought I was too comfortable with him. I am not really sure how he felt. There were good days and there were bad days. We didn't fight, probably because we know each other well, if not too well. But things, no matter how hard you make it happen, will now work. We have tried, but it did not succeed. My old school love is now one of my worst heartbreaks.

There were times when I thought, I wish nothing happened because I did not only lose a lover, but I also lost a friend. There were so many times when the world told us, told me THIS WILL NOT WORK, in bold, capital letters, but you know, I was stubborn and in-love, and unbelievably stupid. I believed we could make it. It was painful. This person you thought you knew how to care and love, is completely a different person from how you imagined him to be. It might not be Earth shattering, but it was close.

But the heartaches aside, I am happy he has such a positive effect on me. He's one of the reasons why I went to study Journalism. He's the reason why I watch, read, and like certain things. He's the reason why I cringe when 'stuffs' and 'did + past tense of the word' happen. He taught me well.

He was my first love. I'm pretty sure, I am not his. But ours could have been a love story worth telling to. And no matter how many kisses and hugs come in the future, the feeling shared with your first love is hard to forget - the mushiness, the intensity, the whirlwind emotions. I have read somewhere that your first love will eventually become a benchmark to your succeeding relationships. Which is sad, because I want the next person I fall in love with be himself. Not some replica of the past.

They say, there's a minute chance of ending up with your first love. There is no right formula or spell to end up with the first person you have ever fallen in love with. And when they're done, you have to move on.
I struggle with this resolution every day. He has been a part of something wonderful, but it's over. He could be the first, but the most important thing is to find the one who will and will be the last.