|Right said Carrie|
This is a screen cap from one of the episodes of Sex and the City. I was going over photos in my Tumblr dashboard when this particular photo appeared, as if telling me something that I needed to gamble on.
I was never the scaredy-cat. In fact, among my group of friends, when they needed someone to do a dare or someone who needed to talk to somebody everyone seems to be afraid of, they would always volunteer me or my friend Cha to do the act. All the dirty work are left to us. On most days, I step up and do the deed. But if there is one thing I am afraid to do is to admit my feelings.
For a couple of times now, when I remember instances I did tell someone how I felt about them, things get a bit uneasy. I don't know if I was too straight forward or they were a little intimidated of girls telling how they felt. Sometimes, it goes my way. But there are instances that it wouldn't and that's when I feel a bit scared.
The thing about feelings is that I think it shouldn't be kept to yourself. I mean, it's meant to be expressed and feelings can be said in so many things. But it just so happen that there are things that are pushing you away from doing so. Like for instance, losing a friendship.
I have always felt that people are meant to stay with you because they are made to be with you. Either you like it or not, there are times when somebody would show up unexpectedly and would bring something good or awful. But there will also come a time when an action can make them leave or if not entirely leave, things will change drastically between the two of you.
That is something that I am afraid to happen between us.
I've never entertained the idea of risking the friendship we built for more than a decade because of the butterflies in the stomach or the blushing every once in a while. I don't want things to get ruined because of stupidly admitting feelings.
But at the back of my mind, I think, if I never risk it and go with what I am feeling, will I lose everything and more? This is starting to get into shape and if I didn't risk this and be afraid, what would probably happen? This person has been one of the best things that ever happened in my life and I know I don't want to lose him. He has been with me for a very long time and I don't know what I would do if ever he goes away. That has not happened ever and I just couldn't imagine if it does.
So I toss and turn, thinking, should I gamble on it?
If he stays, he stays. If he doesn't, well as hard to think as it is, then so be it.