Friday, November 20, 2009

Rollercoaster

It was one of those days when you suddenly feel like you have the whole weight of the world on your shoulders. It's one of those days that you wake up from the wrong side of the bed from what the last night's disappointment has caused you. You were toying the idea of drinking alone, with the bottle of brandy luring you in the corner. But you were tired, so tired that you passed out with drinking.

Waking up, your goal was to get a glass, no some glass of wine tonight. For some reasons, you thought it was what you needed to pull through. You have not had some drinks alone, but you are more than willing to do so tonight, fuck, who cares what you want.

You go on through the day, looking and feeling more melancholic than you were yesterday. Dressed inappropriately for what you call work, channeling the biggest sunglasses you have to cover the sadness you have accumulated from the day before.

You walk, aimlessly. Thinking without really realizing, what you are doing. You are confused. The thoughts of drinking alone still haunts you. You see, people smoking, you then thought, you probably need some, though you don't smoke. You see people along the way. Trying so hard to control yourself from shoving your middle finger to their happy faces.

Fuck happiness. You are selfish.

You continue to walk. Trying to make yourself realize that you are not depressed, because really, there's nothing to be depressed about. You tell that to yourself. You keep on repeating, the very same words to yourself, then suddenly it gave up. It started to ache, moving in circles, exploding. You lost it.

You're laughing. You think this is happiness. You think this is what you lost along the way. You think this is more than what you were looking for. Eternal happiness, unending laughter.

You look at yourself and ask what happened?

For a second of losing it. You started crying.

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Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is a form of depression that appears at the same time each year. With SAD, a person typically has symptoms of depression and unexplained fatigue as winter approaches and daylight hours become shorter. When spring returns and days become longer again, people with SAD experience relief from their symptoms, returning to their usual mood and energy level.

(from kidshealth.org)
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